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| every day i remind myself
you have to do [this], and [this], and [this]
but nothing ever gets done
this is procrastination at its best
jc is easy, they said
university will be easier, they said..
am questioning what universities the teachers that taught us actually went to
how is university any easier
someone please explain to me
swamped with deadlines
i don't know what to do
everything seems to be falling apart again
sigh
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| decided to blog now of all time, when i'm supposed to be in the library studying/writing my essays. oh the things i do to avoid writing the essay...... I've been here almost the whole week and all i've finished so far is about 600 words of my 2000 word essay and I am at a complete loss. have never felt so helpless while writing an essay before.
trying to get this stupid essay done by the end of april the latest. exams in may to study for, plus first week of may suyi's coming, 2nd week melin will be coming, 3rd/4th week suyi will be back again.... oh man. how am i gonna study. can't wait to meet up with melin suyi and sann though. it'll be like a mini netties/31st-est gathering in the uk hee~ exciting stuff
back to my essay now i guess. zzzzzzzzzzzzz
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| Came back from Hope Fest 2012 a few days back and I think it's safe to say I enjoyed it quite a bit, although I couldn't stop going to the toilet... like 5 times a day. The food there kept making me feel like shitting lol felt like mah ass was on fire, not even kiddin
I think it was a good experience though (the camp, not the shitting...). Never really been to a church camp before so I didn't know what to expect but I was so amazed on the second day because I woke up at 730am and by 10am, we finished morning devotions, breakfast and praise & worship. I think that was the most accomplished I've felt in a long time.
Worship in the morning of the 3rd and 4th day was so amazing, mainly because the drums were not overpowering all the other instruments and there was a sort of peace to the worship environment. I really liked it a lot :) My previous entries mentioned about how I was feeling really distant from God and all, and during the morning worship sessions it was the first time in so long that I really heard God speaking so clearly to me :) normally I always have doubts if it's really God speaking to me or I am imagining it but this time it was really just so clear~
There was also this one teaching where the pastor talked about how character was the most important which really impacted me. It doesn't matter how many things you do or how faithful you are in doing it but if you don't do something with the right heart and mindset then that makes it pointless because at the end of the day, God looks at a person's character and heart and not what the individual has done and I think that's what really struck me the most.
Self-reflection here: I think many a time I live my life just as a Christian in name, or a sunday christian and doing things such as praise and worship has becoming so mechanical for me that my heart is not in it and the words I sing during p&w start to lose their meaning. Really need to start doing some proper self-reflection and get some new perspective.
The past few days I've been missing hoGc so much though. I honestly think I am more churcksick (if there even is such a term) than homesick. Miss the people and my cg back in sg, and most importantly, I really miss the strong presence of God that I have only felt in hoGc. It's something that I haven't really felt anywhere else and it makes me miss hoGc 91287397x more :( It's just 2 more months till I'm back though! So excited to see all my lovely cg people :)
I feel like I have wasted the past 4 months away not doing anything and in the next 2 months, I really need to pull up my socks and stop being so lazy.
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| HAD THE CRAZIEST DREAM LAST NIGHT. It felt like a freaggin movie happened in my sleep. I swear, I have crazy dreams but this has got to be the craziest ever. Like some action movie with guns and zombies and monsters and spies and base camps and everything OHHHLAWDSS. I slept for 13 hours and i think I was dreaming the whole time. Oh and before that, I think I fell into sleep paralysis three times. Kept falling under and waking up, don't know why my mind refused to let me sleep but I was so physically exhausted..
K, anyway, let me start from the beginning... I typed out points of my dream on my bb in case I forgot my dream HAHAH.
My dream started off of me walking into the building that they use in Men In Black. Met my operations leader who was Will Smith (HAHAH) and he gave me a gun which was friggin tiny, like <15cm, what the heck. SO, anyway. He said there was some kind of conspiracy that we were trying to solve and take down. Ok not very sure. So I had a team of 5 people, and we had to take down another group of 5 people who were the enemy. Each person in the enemy group had a specific job, which I can't seem to remember what.
My team and I then left the building and headed to the secret base camp which was this tall white building with roman pillars and all, and it kinda looked like the white house. We received some insider information that one of our targets was at some hotel so we suited up and got our guns and everything and headed to the hotel.
At the hotel, we were barging into rooms and everything and the other girl in the team walked off alone and got attacked by the girl from the enemy team. Omg this scene was really damn action packed HAHAH. Fighting with guns and everything and MY GUN WAS SPOILT. And the girl from the enemy team managed to get the girl from my team in a chokehold and the enemy girl was hanging her out the window threatening to throw her out. Then idk what happened cuz it blacked out after that.
So we ended up back at the base camp and somehow the girl from the enemy team joined our side and was giving us information about the enemy team but I had a really bad feeling about her, like she was being a spy/double crossing us. Anyway, so we looked at the next person to take down in the enemy team, and his status was something like "presumed dead" or "missing' or some shit.
THEN SUDDENLY, our base camp came under attack. There was this huge monster outside the window who was like 50m tall or some shit. He was just ridiculously huge and was walking around our camp as though he was trying to find something. So I sneaked downstairs and extinguished all the lights and drew the curtains and before that I saw his eyes right outside the window looking in OMG DAMN SCARY PLS. I guess he didn't find anything so he left but before that I got a glimpse of his face and he turned out to be the person in the enemy team who was presumably dead/missing. Turns out they did experiments on him and he became this huge hideous monster. And apparently he found our base camp because there it was give by some insider information or something like that.
And then, I woke up.
I really hope I get a continuation of this dream tonight, it was really crazily exciting HAHHAA and I want a conclusion to the plot...
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| Had so many random things on my mind i felt compelled to type them out. am overloaded and suffocated by an influx of random thoughts crowding my mind and it doesn't feel good sigh.
1. keeping eye contact with someone has got to be the most awkward thing ever, for me. if there's one thing i really really hate it would be maintaining eye contact, ngghh.
2. the feeling of isolation feels safer than the feeling of opening up and getting hurt. i let myself open up to people and have been hurt repeatedly. hate it when i become emotionally attached to someone, it makes me feel so vulnerable. making new friends has become a chore for me. i don't even think i know how to make friends anymore. i have become so painfully socially awkward. but, extremely thankful for the friends i have in my life right now, don't know what i'll do without them :)
3. i've been struggling to feel something other than indifference to everything that's happening around me, and most importantly in my relationship with God. sometimes i feel it's so difficult to give up control and trust in Him fully when I don't even feel close to Him. i feel like i'm stuck in a place with no growth right now and i know its personal effort to try to get to know God better but sometimes i feel it's really so difficult. i know my relationship with God is very easy to fix, all i need to do is have some commitment and put in some effort to fix it. my lack of discipline seriously amazes me sometimes, i don't even know what i'm doing with my life. it's like, i feel so comfortable with where i'm at, i don't feel like making any changes to anything though i know i should? i miss feeling close to Him. nowadays I just feel so jaded and i hate feeling that way.
4. jeremy lin's injury and his upcoming knee surgery.. yes that's on my mind, strange as it seems. it really sucks how he had to get injured just as he started his breakout season but i do believe he will return a better and stronger player. without him i don't think the knicks will go very far. melo can't carry the team every night and the bench has to step up and put in consistent effort. hope lin and stat make it back in time for the playoffs. have a feeling they'll face the bulls in the first round... lin vs d.rose again, ohlawds :S
5. i need to stop being so concerned with others and focus on myself. a lot of the time i find myself comparing myself to others, the -er syndrome, as what the pastor would call it.
"For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice" James 3:16
"Resentment kills a fool, and envy slays the simple." Job 5:2
really need to remind myself of these verses every time that feeling of envy overwhelms me. need to learn how to be content with what i have and really count my blessings.
6. identity, or, my lack of it. i am still struggling to find my identity in Christ. i am still lost, and i really need to find my way back to Him. I need to find my identity in Him. i really think this is so important, its a recurring thought that brings me a lot of conflicting thoughts and feelings. honestly, my lack of identity really takes away my confidence and i can say that i really have no confidence in myself, and am not comfortable in my own skin. i keep trying to twist to fit a mould that is of a worldly standard, but i don't want that anymore. i don't want to live by worldly standards, i just want to be peace with myself and with Him. again, that's a personal commitment and i always find it so hard.
7. i have to pack up my room... am totally living in a pig sty right now. it looks like a hurricane swept through my room. i wish my ocd tendencies would act up and i would feel a need to clean up everything but i am really so nonchalant about everything, what is wrong with me.
i feel so much better after typing everything out. i need order in my life.
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on another note, happy april fools everyone. spent my day doin the laundry and folding clothes. idek why folding clothes takes so long. someone get me sheldon's clothes-folding thingamajigg and i will luv u 4 lyfe, pls
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